Inside a Very Little Box!

I always been in a small tight box. The ones that know me which are few, know I could have my load crazy side. But for the most part Im really closed in and to myself I can be very difficult to understand. Just because I joke and talk loud at the times doesn't really mean Im outgoing and all over the place. Im much more of a loner a one man band. Never really stuck to one group or even attempt to meet new people. In a crowd filled w millions I don't stick out because of my personality. Can I say that comes from where I grew up or who I sarround myself? Who knows. At times I wish I could be put in any place and just spark up a conversation. When I was much yonger it was easier for me to "go with the flow". In my later years I have noticed it is much harder. I try and break free from this box but I just can't seem to find a way. No interesting subject to bring up or anything I can actually add on. I feel weird and out place in a lot of situations. I make jokes or just smile to make myself or those around me feel a little bit more confterble, in those ackword silent situations. Last night speaking w family someone told me to just let loose and not worry about what does around me think. It's a pretty hard thing to do. Even to speak to those close to me is difficult I.E my mom boyfriend close friends and family. Those that don't really judge me and have excepted me for me. I close myself up by putting some head sets on or just looking really entertained by what's on tv or on my phone. Just so people don't talk much to me. Is a fear of looking stupid or not having enough to say. I try to drink myself to entertaining but even that is becoming a hard task at hand. How do I fallow up on a question or statement? I try and dress different or do things out of the norm to just have something to say. "I like my ripped jeans and shoes because so and so". That is even going so far and isn't helping much. I never really minded being a loner but I noticed I can't stand being a house just by myself. My mind is my worst enemy because I think and over analizy way to much. I guess I haven't really figure out who I am and what is it that I really want from life. Maybe exceptance is key and really haven't done that within me. Im getting tired of lying to myself and others. I try and look for that in ways that are not healthy for me. That is why probebly life has been in a constent repeat for me. Same type of friends and lovers.